as I’m setting up this website i’m like, dude, how many blogs have I started in my life??
I used to be obsessed with having a website, a ~following~ tbh. I grew up in a time when everyone had Blogger or maybe an earlier version of that, which I can't remember the names of anymore. I spent so much time when I was 12 or so making my blog, which had 3-4 subscribers, where I would talk about whatever and honestly try and write like the 30-somethings whose blogs I followed.
I also wanted to be a style influencer, like style rookie, or one of those ppl on lookbook.nu (which I actually had to google the name of bc I couldn't remember the site!!!). now that kinda makes me laugh because I still don't really have a sense of personal style. I used to really like dyeing my hair blue and wearing these leggings that I guess were kinda emo with skulls on the knees, and I had this black and white striped skirt, and that's all I remember about my style as a teen. I wore a lot of tee shirts and tried to look like a tomboy or a sea punk
Anyway, ummm, I just think about how many blogs I've started with this deep desire to have them be read. and how many websites hinge on getting you addicted to trying to be popular, all while censoring whatever it is that makes you an individual. and I'm also thinking about how often I've written about this exact concept, on a new platform, that I used to escape the old platform. idk, now that I have a new career in the works I feel a lot less obsessed with having a following, I just want to work on doing whatever makes me feel cozy when I'm not busy.
I've been really enjoying myself on neocities so far bc i only have 2 IRLs who know my url, and I am playing around a lot with coding. I finished massage therapy school a few weeks ago, and just got back from visiting family on Monday, and I have been checking all my to-dos off pretty quickly, so now I'm just sitting here waiting for my license to come thru so I can start applying for jobs. honestly I have a lot of things I could do that might feel more "productive" but I am also allowing myself to just indulge in whatever box this website is ticking for me right now. not everything is about my job and making money and my future, some things are just about my present? I guess? and I feel very present while also feeling very past when I'm working on this site... it's pretty hard to explain and my partner Jess has definitely been laughing at me because this is my tendency, to get obsessed.
and they aren't wrong, I'm definitely someone who likes to focus extremely hard on an activity for a few days straight before driving myself insane and stopping abruptly to never return again... so I'm not hinging too much on my ability to keep up with this site. whenever I have important life things going on I'm really really good at finding new things to occupy my time rather than sticking with the more pressing matters. In fact, I have to go to work soon, and instead of getting dressed and ready I'm writing this blog post. whatever, my job is literally carrying a little tray of food around while wearing a black button down. it's fine if I don't put too much effort into getting ready. plus I want to talk about the show I saw last night so I can get it out of my brain before I head to work.
last night, we got on the list to see Stereolab at Metro bc Jess is friends with some ppl in the band that was opening for them, and we sat in the balcony and had to actually try and remember "is stereolab french?" but the question answered itself pretty quickly... the show was incredible and moving. Dorothea Paas was opening, we know the cello player, Eliza, and her music really moved me. I'm not good at writing about music and I'm not going to pretend to be. I loved it though. and Stereolab was epic, even if we didn't know they were french, and it was fun to look down at the audience bobbing their heads together and trying to feel free.
before we fell asleep, Jess was talking about how different it must have felt to be a band that got popular in the '90s. people were buying physical media, listening to albums, streaming wasn't a thing (I remember the first time I streamed music on Rhapsody and felt insane with power). fans were more engaged... or so we imagine... I was born in the 90s and so I was a child, I don't remember. have we become more afraid of being cringe in public? is it just really hard to feel a specific type of public joy right now because of surveillance, because of phones, because of the oppressive world we are living in? is it permanent? and am I imagining it, projecting? I say it's hard for us to feel joy but that's a weird thing to say. it's hard for me to feel joy, and that might make it hard for me to perceive joy in others, or trust that their feelings are real. At least, joy is hard for me to capture in public settings like that, and I feel it more when I'm in private, and maybe everyone else is feeling joyful and I'm feeling weird alone when I see bands live. I really can't make these assumptions. but we aren't in a joyful time, and that definitely colors how I see everything around me.
I did see some people overcome with beautiful emotion. notably, one person raising their hand in the air, shyly, at first, and then with more conviction. reaching out as if to say "I have loved this song a long time, and now I can touch it, right above me." smiling to feel the song in their teeth.