TW: pet loss, grief, mention of dog attack. This might be a long one, I'm unpacking a lot right now.
Almost 2 years ago (February), I had to say goodbye to my very special and beloved pug, Blynken. I had her since I was 17... she was a stray who came into my life from the underside of my neighbor Eliot's Ford Focus. She was hard to capture, but I received a text from another neighbor, Riley, one night while I was at ballet:
RILEY: I have your dog!
ME (thinking he was talking about our family lab, Peppermint): ??? just send her back home
RILEY: the pug you tweeted about.
Riley, his brother, and his friend Colton - all athletes - had triangulated Blynken like a little football and captured her before she could get into trouble or hurt during the coming January storm. When I arrived, still in my pink tights, she was hanging out in their garage. Big eyes, sweet and soft puppy fur... such an innocent expression. She had been timid with everyone else, but she let me pick her up.
I really didn't let go until the day we had to say goodbye. She moved with me from Ozark, to Springfield, to Ozark, to Chicago! In fact, she lived in three apartments up here, with lots of roommates - 4 of them cats! She took car trips between her city home and her Missouri home. She slept in my bed with me, her snores were my lullaby, she hated the snow, she loved carrots and a little white toy dog named Baby. I was grateful to have a cute little unconditional friend.
It is worth admitting, and most people would agree, I was often very intense and precious about her. We didn't do tons of walks because I was afraid of her overheating, I didn't take her everywhere or make her a patio dog even though she was fine whenever we did those things because I didn't want her to have to deal with stranger dogs. I don't think I really treated her like a dog, cuz I didn't really see her as a dog. That's a unique thing in the pug community, I think, because pugs are so... distant... from other dog breeds. But she was a dog. I just really made her my world, and tried to protect her from everything.
The thing is, and most of us know this, you can try to protect anyone or anything you love, but the world will still happen to them. To live a life is to have things happen to you! But scary things happened to her all the time, and I think that is part of why I was so clingy with her. She survived at least a few cancer scares, eating a huge weed cupcake (ugh I feel so bad even remembering it, but I want to be honest here), severe pneumonia, and (most important to this story, and her most famous near-death experience) an attack by a neighbor's dog. So she was living on lots and lots of borrowed time. Each incident made me more protective, and less able to relax about my dog's safety. I was so paranoid she would eat a grape, develop diabetes, or idk. Get attacked again. Thankfully she didn't know I was paranoid, and she had a lot of fun cuddling, being cozy, and living her life with me, despite my overprotectiveness.
After a long, long year of severe cognitive decline throughout 2023, it was our choice to let her go in the living room of our apartment in Chicago in 2024. Her life could have been shorter - she survived at least a few cancer scares, eating a huge weed cupcake (ugh I feel so bad even remembering it, but I want to be honest here), pneumonia, and (most important to this story, and her most famous near-death experience) an awful attack by a neighbor's dog. So she was living on lots and lots of borrowed time. It doesn't make it hurt less, because her end was so confusing for her, but I am grateful for our time and the opportunity to let her go with grace. I accept the life I gave her even if it was protective, because it was our life and we really took care of each other.
The thing is, Blynken's cognitive decline was really painful for me. I watched a really beloved pet become super fearful of everything, pacing, and crying. I had to clean up so many messes, and spent thousands and thousands of dollars I didn't have at the vet to try and help her. Once she passed, I think I had to pack up her death into a little corner of my memory and just leave it at that. [to be continued. I need to take a break from writing this ♥]